Loving a Larger Woman

I just found out the reason why we don’t hang out with people from Erich’s work is because I’m a larger woman… I don’t know how I feel about that.

It’s funny that just when I’m getting to a point where I am okay with my body, (thought I could always be healthier), I get hit with crap about this.

I’m not upset about it perse. Nausous maybe, but other than that I’m feeling a pretty good numb empty feeling. Like the feeling isn’t there. Must be the ant-depressant.

Once again I am reminded of the cruelty of others. I don’t want to hang out with people like that anyway. It just makes me a little sad that i am holding Erich back from socializing. But then again people like really aren’t worth his time.

speaking of size, I’ve actually gone down another size. good for me.

I am curvy, I am sexy. Fuck those who can’t handle that.

Huh

“Don’t wonder why people go crazy, wonder why they don’t” -The Character Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

If I were the type of person to get words or phrases tattooed on her body, I think that I would get the quote above right across my shoulders.

For some reason it just resonates with me.

Hung Over

Okay so I’ve noticed a bad trend, new friend likes to partake in the booze and brings out the same in me. It’s nice to have someone to unwind with.. Definitly an Enabler and I let myself be enabled. But it’s fun, you know. It’s not like I’m getting drop down drunk, just politely intoxicated, a nice buzz. The boys dance around in the fog and trade clothing, we listen to music, shoot the shit, have a good time. (hahaha, the boys trade clothing that is so flipping funny)

Anyway this is the second time I’ve woken up with a raging hangover and I didn’t even think that I drank that much last night. I wonder if the Zoloft is causing this…hmmm maybe there is a scientific reason why they say you shouldn’t drink alcohol on this the medication. duh. Anyway, I wonder if I should be concerned about the way I drink when we are around each other, this new friend of mine. Food for thought, but the head hurts pretty good so I can’t think on it too hard.

In other news… found a tattoo artist, goes by the name of Sausage. I know, I know but I did my research. The guy is well recommended and has a whole bunch of awards, and I saw his work which looks like it is in line with the style I like. Soooo, that just leaves me to drum up the money and make an appointment to start designing the back piece. I’m excited and nauseous at the same time, this is going to be big for me!

It’s our Friday, woohoo.

Picture Protected

AHA! Thanks to Cassie’s suggestion I found that I can password protect my posts of the bean. (HAHA foiled all of the creep pediphiles) So if you would like to see the picture posts of Amelia, just comment on here, (make sure you put your email, it doesn’t show up on the blog), and I will forward you the password for private baby blogs!

Knome Sandwich

I’ve been skulking, sitting around in my cave being ant-social. Today I forced myself out to a play date. Amelia had a lot of fun and it was good to get out and interact with adults.

I’ve been doing some soul searching these past few days. Erich and I talk through the night and into the early morning on what we want to do and be and where we are going. It’s been great the way we’ve been communicating. Actually, it’s been enlightening in quite a few ways.

One thing I have realized is that there is a lot that I still want to do. I want to be a freer spirit than I have been. Translate that how you wish, but there is a lot out there that I have yet to do and I’ve made the decision that it is time that I do it. Things like extending my tattoos even if that make them visible. Because that would make me happy. Also Working at a place that I want to work at, instead of settling.

So what does that mean? I’m still working it all out. I’m thinking of this as a catharsis. Maybe it’s because I’m finally okay with myself in what ever shape or form that I’m in these days. Maybe I really don’t care what everyone else thinks anymore. To quote..”I was voted most confident in my low self-esteem group” (I find that one funny to no end)… [image courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/feanne/]

So what am I going to do now? Well here are some steps I’m taking in the next few months in no particular order

1. Put Condo up for sale and find a rental in an area we like near people we like.
2. Help Erich find a job he likes, ditto Ally
3. Find good tattoo artist and start designing back piece
4. Reduce clutter in life…

I can’t describe what I’m going through, except it’s like waking up one morning and realizing that you are living someone else’s life. Is that weird? It looks weird re-reading but I’m not worried. It feels pretty good actually.